Post by Sydney Effin LaRoux on Jul 12, 2012 15:34:59 GMT -5
[The Navy Pier in Chicago, Il.]
The Pier seemed to be the only place that I could level my head. The water was more like a euphemism for my soul the more I stared out at it. Every choppy wave that lapped at the steel was just another dark reminder that I was not getting any better. I had so many confusing thoughts and emotions that I wasn‘t even sure if I could feel anything but dread and unrest within my heart.
Myke Adams had been the only one to make me feel something in the last few days. And, what he and I felt, we weren’t allowed to indulge in feeling. I took his paint set because I knew he would want it again. I took it like a souvenir of the last good hero left in the world. My hero. No one will ever know how hard it was to turn him away from that kiss; No one will ever know how much pain and regret for not following my heart, I still feel at this moment. I have to now live with this every ticking second my life passes by. It has made me jaded.
Now, I am numb inside.
I am tired.
I am aching.
I look at those around me and wonder if they ever were just tired too? Myke. Aaron. Bomber. Hell, even Kerry. Don‘t they ever get tired of being what Revival wants them to be? Are they as burnt on the inside as I currently feel?
I let my head dip for a moment in my own thought as Sheree Washington continues talking to me. I don‘t remember what she was saying because it just sounds like white noice when your lost in your mind. I glanced at her pretty face and then cross the distance to our right at Rhys who was walking after the three large birds hunting for food.
“Don’t chase the pigeons Rhys..”
I scolded him interrupting Sheree talking about her and Ben. Rhys doesn’t listen to me so I get up off the bench to get him but he is scooped up by a set of inked arms.
“Listen to mommy buddy.” [/color]
My Chris Bond stood there with our son in his arms like some kind of super dad. He shifted him up against his chest again and kissed his face gently. Rhys responded affectionately into his father’s arms and I smiled slightly. It honestly was the best I could give him right now.
“Hey.”[/color] I said softly.
“Hi.”[/color] He gave in a shy return.
I glance towards Sheree and then move back towards her with both men in tow. “Sheree, This is Chris. Rhys’s Father. Chris, Sheree used to be Windsor‘s manager but is now with Ben.” [/color]
Chris offers his hand and a soft smile to her. She in turn politely says that Rhys looks a lot like him and laughs girlishly. Unfortunately, she was right. He was looking like him more and more everyday. It was a constant reminder to me of how I messed things up.
“Sher, could you do me a solid and take Rhys for maybe fifteen minutes? He really loves the blown glass gift shop and maybe you could show it to him. I need to talk to Chris for a few minutes.”[/color]
Sher had no problem doing so under the ruse that she needed all the practice she could get. She took Rhys with her towards the shop, leaving Chris and I alone together. The last time that happened, I was nearly punched in the face so I decided to ease into conversation.
“Thanks for meeting me here.”[/color] I say turning towards the railing of the Pier and the murky water beyond.
“Thanks for even talking to me, Syd.“[/color]
I nodded gently and then turned to look at his gorgeous face. I had missed him more than I realized. I loved Chris because it grew from nothing we planned for into something beyond beautiful. It had taken us by surprise and created a beautiful little person that was made out of whiskey more than love but the idea grew. I could see memories when I looked into his eyes and, as much as they should have been happy, now they just hurt like daggers. I wasn’t even sure that I could feel the same way again between us. The numbness was taking over even as we spoke.
“Will we ever be happy again?“[/color] So much for the slow lead in.
I went straight to the point. There was no need to dance around it anymore and I was sure he felt the glacial shift too.
“I was under the impression that everyone else but me made you happy in the first place.“ [/color]
He was still jaded some at me and I expected that. It was a lower centered blow but still, like any jab, painful.
“Ouch. But I’m woman enough to admit that lately, yeah, you could say that and be correct. It wasn‘t like I planned for any of this to happen this way.“ [/color]
I look away from him again and start to tear up. I close my eyes and tilt my head gently letting the tears roll to the left down my face a little.
“What is it they give you that I don’t? Just tell me that much Sydney. I want to give you what it is that they can make you feel. I want you to look at me the way you look at Myke Adams and Samuel Hessinstock. The way you used to look at me too.“ [/color]
I let out a laugh through the tears and it just made me cry even more. I wasn’t even sure that I could look at him exactly that same way at all. He wasn’t like those two men at all. He was tame. He was softer. He was stable. I looked at him, tears down my face now.
“They are thrilling and they make me drawn to them, just like you did. When I look into Myke’s eyes I see myself. I see him pretending not to ache for me as much as I ache for him. When I look at Sam, I see the drive that he has when it comes to me and how perfectly we once fit. They both want me..and desire me. They can still see Sydney inside of me and they reflect it back to me in ways that make me feel something other than just numbness. When I look into yours I just see all of the failure you hold in your eyes. The guilt of your mother, your anger at your father and sometimes I see that glimmer of your adoration for me. And sometimes, you show that love to me but it isn’t enough. And that pang of hunger grows larger day by day.“ [/color]
He watched me as I spoke and then swallowed.
“You think I don’t want you?! Is this because I don’t show you enough babe? You think that I don’t love you with all of my heart, Sydney? I do. I want to marry you. I want to have you for the rest of my life. I was wrong to assume that you were messing around with Sam but look at it from my side. You couldn’t have been honest and tell me you met him? We can‘t build a life without the honesty it takes between married people..“ [/color]
He was choked up slightly too and he paused suddenly.
“But you…aren’t going to marry me with those two around, are you? You will always hold out for someone better…someone like Myke.“ [/color]
I swallowed hard and I could lie anymore to him about how I felt about them. Why he seemed to think Myke meant more than Sam, I didn’t know. Maybe he assumed that because Myke and I had been together a lot lately that I cared more about him. At any rate, I nodded my head affirmatively. I began to cry harder now and he looked away to the high-rises from looking at me. I knew he was as crushed inside too.
“Look, Syd..I have to apologize before it kills me. I messed up and I know that I did for acting like I did. I would never, ever, hurt you baby. I was blackout drunk and seeing red when I saw him there with you. I have never been so scared of myself- in my life.” [/color]
I looked up at him finally and I moved closer against his body. My arms wrapped around his shoulders and his arms wrapped around me tight enough that I could feel the regret and pain in his touch. I began to cry more than I had been previously. He was my stability and my comfort I had been missing in my life lately. I wanted to melt into his arms right here and pretend that none of this happened at all. I, afterall, did love him deep in my heart.
“I need you.”[/color] He whispered into my ear and raked his fingers up and into my hair as he placed kisses along my neck.
The scruffiness of his face lulled me for a moment before I pulled my face back from his own neck and I sniffled.
“I’m sorry. I can’t be who you want me to be for you. I can‘t be promised to you when I don‘t know what I want anymore.” [/color]
I reach down and I pull off the ring that I wore that he gave to me. I took up his hand and I placed it back into his palm and I pressed my red lips against the upturned closed fist.
“Sydney. Please…don’t do this.”[/color] He begged softly. This time, the thirty-something cried openly. The tears ran from his slightly pink edged eyes.
“I love you too much to continue hurting you with an empty promise.” [/color]
He looked down at the ring in his trembling hand. “What happens to Rhys in all of this?” [/color]
“He still has a father that loves him and will come to see him. And you and I work on “us” one day at a time.” [/color]
I hoped he could understand that I was not leaving him. I was just saying that I couldn’t commit myself to him fully when I wasn’t sure what I wanted in my life.
I didn’t want another man or one to take his place.
I just wanted out of the box.
I just wanted my freedom.
I wanted to be Sydney.
To Be Continued....
The Pier seemed to be the only place that I could level my head. The water was more like a euphemism for my soul the more I stared out at it. Every choppy wave that lapped at the steel was just another dark reminder that I was not getting any better. I had so many confusing thoughts and emotions that I wasn‘t even sure if I could feel anything but dread and unrest within my heart.
Myke Adams had been the only one to make me feel something in the last few days. And, what he and I felt, we weren’t allowed to indulge in feeling. I took his paint set because I knew he would want it again. I took it like a souvenir of the last good hero left in the world. My hero. No one will ever know how hard it was to turn him away from that kiss; No one will ever know how much pain and regret for not following my heart, I still feel at this moment. I have to now live with this every ticking second my life passes by. It has made me jaded.
Now, I am numb inside.
I am tired.
I am aching.
I look at those around me and wonder if they ever were just tired too? Myke. Aaron. Bomber. Hell, even Kerry. Don‘t they ever get tired of being what Revival wants them to be? Are they as burnt on the inside as I currently feel?
I let my head dip for a moment in my own thought as Sheree Washington continues talking to me. I don‘t remember what she was saying because it just sounds like white noice when your lost in your mind. I glanced at her pretty face and then cross the distance to our right at Rhys who was walking after the three large birds hunting for food.
“Don’t chase the pigeons Rhys..”
I scolded him interrupting Sheree talking about her and Ben. Rhys doesn’t listen to me so I get up off the bench to get him but he is scooped up by a set of inked arms.
“Listen to mommy buddy.” [/color]
My Chris Bond stood there with our son in his arms like some kind of super dad. He shifted him up against his chest again and kissed his face gently. Rhys responded affectionately into his father’s arms and I smiled slightly. It honestly was the best I could give him right now.
“Hey.”[/color] I said softly.
“Hi.”[/color] He gave in a shy return.
I glance towards Sheree and then move back towards her with both men in tow. “Sheree, This is Chris. Rhys’s Father. Chris, Sheree used to be Windsor‘s manager but is now with Ben.” [/color]
Chris offers his hand and a soft smile to her. She in turn politely says that Rhys looks a lot like him and laughs girlishly. Unfortunately, she was right. He was looking like him more and more everyday. It was a constant reminder to me of how I messed things up.
“Sher, could you do me a solid and take Rhys for maybe fifteen minutes? He really loves the blown glass gift shop and maybe you could show it to him. I need to talk to Chris for a few minutes.”[/color]
Sher had no problem doing so under the ruse that she needed all the practice she could get. She took Rhys with her towards the shop, leaving Chris and I alone together. The last time that happened, I was nearly punched in the face so I decided to ease into conversation.
“Thanks for meeting me here.”[/color] I say turning towards the railing of the Pier and the murky water beyond.
“Thanks for even talking to me, Syd.“[/color]
I nodded gently and then turned to look at his gorgeous face. I had missed him more than I realized. I loved Chris because it grew from nothing we planned for into something beyond beautiful. It had taken us by surprise and created a beautiful little person that was made out of whiskey more than love but the idea grew. I could see memories when I looked into his eyes and, as much as they should have been happy, now they just hurt like daggers. I wasn’t even sure that I could feel the same way again between us. The numbness was taking over even as we spoke.
“Will we ever be happy again?“[/color] So much for the slow lead in.
I went straight to the point. There was no need to dance around it anymore and I was sure he felt the glacial shift too.
“I was under the impression that everyone else but me made you happy in the first place.“ [/color]
He was still jaded some at me and I expected that. It was a lower centered blow but still, like any jab, painful.
“Ouch. But I’m woman enough to admit that lately, yeah, you could say that and be correct. It wasn‘t like I planned for any of this to happen this way.“ [/color]
I look away from him again and start to tear up. I close my eyes and tilt my head gently letting the tears roll to the left down my face a little.
“What is it they give you that I don’t? Just tell me that much Sydney. I want to give you what it is that they can make you feel. I want you to look at me the way you look at Myke Adams and Samuel Hessinstock. The way you used to look at me too.“ [/color]
I let out a laugh through the tears and it just made me cry even more. I wasn’t even sure that I could look at him exactly that same way at all. He wasn’t like those two men at all. He was tame. He was softer. He was stable. I looked at him, tears down my face now.
“They are thrilling and they make me drawn to them, just like you did. When I look into Myke’s eyes I see myself. I see him pretending not to ache for me as much as I ache for him. When I look at Sam, I see the drive that he has when it comes to me and how perfectly we once fit. They both want me..and desire me. They can still see Sydney inside of me and they reflect it back to me in ways that make me feel something other than just numbness. When I look into yours I just see all of the failure you hold in your eyes. The guilt of your mother, your anger at your father and sometimes I see that glimmer of your adoration for me. And sometimes, you show that love to me but it isn’t enough. And that pang of hunger grows larger day by day.“ [/color]
He watched me as I spoke and then swallowed.
“You think I don’t want you?! Is this because I don’t show you enough babe? You think that I don’t love you with all of my heart, Sydney? I do. I want to marry you. I want to have you for the rest of my life. I was wrong to assume that you were messing around with Sam but look at it from my side. You couldn’t have been honest and tell me you met him? We can‘t build a life without the honesty it takes between married people..“ [/color]
He was choked up slightly too and he paused suddenly.
“But you…aren’t going to marry me with those two around, are you? You will always hold out for someone better…someone like Myke.“ [/color]
I swallowed hard and I could lie anymore to him about how I felt about them. Why he seemed to think Myke meant more than Sam, I didn’t know. Maybe he assumed that because Myke and I had been together a lot lately that I cared more about him. At any rate, I nodded my head affirmatively. I began to cry harder now and he looked away to the high-rises from looking at me. I knew he was as crushed inside too.
“Look, Syd..I have to apologize before it kills me. I messed up and I know that I did for acting like I did. I would never, ever, hurt you baby. I was blackout drunk and seeing red when I saw him there with you. I have never been so scared of myself- in my life.” [/color]
I looked up at him finally and I moved closer against his body. My arms wrapped around his shoulders and his arms wrapped around me tight enough that I could feel the regret and pain in his touch. I began to cry more than I had been previously. He was my stability and my comfort I had been missing in my life lately. I wanted to melt into his arms right here and pretend that none of this happened at all. I, afterall, did love him deep in my heart.
“I need you.”[/color] He whispered into my ear and raked his fingers up and into my hair as he placed kisses along my neck.
The scruffiness of his face lulled me for a moment before I pulled my face back from his own neck and I sniffled.
“I’m sorry. I can’t be who you want me to be for you. I can‘t be promised to you when I don‘t know what I want anymore.” [/color]
I reach down and I pull off the ring that I wore that he gave to me. I took up his hand and I placed it back into his palm and I pressed my red lips against the upturned closed fist.
“Sydney. Please…don’t do this.”[/color] He begged softly. This time, the thirty-something cried openly. The tears ran from his slightly pink edged eyes.
“I love you too much to continue hurting you with an empty promise.” [/color]
He looked down at the ring in his trembling hand. “What happens to Rhys in all of this?” [/color]
“He still has a father that loves him and will come to see him. And you and I work on “us” one day at a time.” [/color]
I hoped he could understand that I was not leaving him. I was just saying that I couldn’t commit myself to him fully when I wasn’t sure what I wanted in my life.
I didn’t want another man or one to take his place.
I just wanted out of the box.
I just wanted my freedom.
I wanted to be Sydney.
To Be Continued....
